Antony & Cleopatra - love hurts

The year is 44 BC, Julius Caesar has been assassinated and Rome is a hot mess. Enter Mark Antony: a decorated Roman general who was not exactly at ease with the shenanigans playing out within the Senate.  

Enter, now, Cleopatra: Egyptian queen and former squeeze of the now-defunct dictator. It is said that Antony first saw her atop a golden barge, dripping in jewels, looking like a goddess. It got his tunic in an absolute twist. He promptly swapped Roman politics for luxurious Egyptian parties, where the wine flowed and no-one needed to watch their back for fear of brutes.

But, back in Rome, new boss Octavian (JC’s adopted son and Antony’s political frenemy) was less than impressed. To save face (and possibly his own neck), Antony agreed to marry Octavian’s sister, Octavia. This, erm, ‘act of diplomacy’ didn't faze Cleopatra: she knew Antony would be back. Sure enough, Rome’s prodigal son soon ditched his Roman wife and sailed straight back up the Nile.

‘Enough,’ growled Octavian, declaring war. By this point, even Antony’s own lieutenants had grown bored of their besotted bro. And, at the Battle of Actium, Antony and Cleopatra proved that romance doesn’t necessarily translate to great military strategy: their naval fleets were roundly trounced before the fog of war separated the lovebirds.

Back on dry land, believing Cleopatra to be dead, Antony chose to fall on his sword. But, somewhere on the way down, he was informed that she was still alive – and he was carried to her hide-out, just in time to die in her arms. It is said that Cleopatra promptly followed him into the afterlife, opting for the kiss of an Egyptian cobra over the cold steel of a sharp blade.

There’s a moral in here somewhere, but – very much like our lovers’ shared resting-place – we know not where.

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